The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
