My entire life is one complicated drinking game
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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