just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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