Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
