i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
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