How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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