It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
