i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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