Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
