I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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