i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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