Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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