Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
