if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
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