I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
