This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
