People in love make me want to vomit
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize