Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
