i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
