his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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