Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
worst night to have a conscience
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
