Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
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I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
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I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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