I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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