I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
