my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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