There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
