Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
