i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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