Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
