Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
