She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
