i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
