Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
