can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
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How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
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When did angry sex become our thing?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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