you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
