I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
