just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
