I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
