I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
