if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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