She is in my trunk
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
