I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
