Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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