babies were throwing up all over the place
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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