well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
