I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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