Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
