I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
