i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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