I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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