From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
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I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
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This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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