he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Alive.
So much puke
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
