I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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