i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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